Today’s prompt for the 30 day journal project got me thinking, ‘Well…who am I?” I’ve been doing a lot of soul work lately, nourishing my spirit, quietening my mind and searching for inner peace. Thinking about life purpose and setting goals for personal growth and development. But the question ‘who am I?’ stumped me a little at first. It’s a really basic question but I didn’t have a simple answer.
I decided to go and dig out some old photographs my Mum had given me a while ago which I have been meaning to sort but hadn’t gotten around to it. They were mostly of me as a child or a young girl – at home, with family, on holiday, with school friends etc. The quality of the pictures isn’t great but what struck me as I looked through them was how happy I seemed. In just about all of the photos I was looking straight at the camera, bright eyed with a big smile. I am pictured in all kinds of poses, apparently enjoying parties, vacations, animals, adventures and escapades. Also experimenting a lot with fashion! And I appear to be really enjoying myself.
It’s been a long time since I’ve considered myself as truly ‘happy’. I always thought of my Dad as ‘Mr Joie-De-Vivre’ and that I just enjoyed being along for the ride. And when I lost him a couple of years ago I thought that was the end of abundant happiness in my life and I would just have to settle for ‘normal’. Through the misery of grief I had persuaded myself that my childhood had been quite difficult and traumatic. At age 8 my parents split up and an ugly divorce followed. This was a pretty scary and lonely time and certainly left me with a damaged self esteem. But unless I was doing a really good job at faking it, these photographs show another side of my life that I had blanked out. A plentiful supply of happy memories and good times that had been overshadowed by loss and fear.
In these pictures, and many more, I am happy, adventurous, daring, creative, energetic and playful. Is this what I need to remember? Is this who I really am? Perhaps it’s time for a search and rescue mission for a lost girl…